Lonely in LA

Do you ever feel like you are the only person you can rely on? Do you check your phone and there is no text, no missed calls? Do you watch TV on your couch by yourself on Friday and Saturday nights?

Maybe that’s not you all the time but it sure feels that way. Some weeks are better than others. And maybe you do get invited to events once in a while. But at the end of the day when you close your eyes at night you feel alone. You wake up alone and you are afraid that you will die alone.

If that’s you welcome to being an Alien in LA. You don’t have to live in Los Angeles, California to feel that way. You could be in New Your, Tokyo, London, or any other city where life seems to be exciting and glamorous but somehow you ended up on your couch eating cookies with milk and talking to your cat. 

I moved to Los Angeles almost 5 years ago and I still feel like an Alien when I walk around this city. Maybe it was the fact that shortly after I moved here with my ex she broke up with me and then the pandemic happened. Did that affect my mental health? Of course, it did! It made me want to die. I was crying and drinking and listening to sad songs for months. I let that event destroy my mental health and affect my first years in LA. It made me hate this city. It made me hate myself, love, and all people. 

I was lost. I had no solid income, no friends, and no will to live. All I had was my cat and a pilling-up credit card debt. Looking back at time I realize I could have done things differently. I didn’t need to drink a bottle of tequila every day. I didn’t need to beg my ex to be with me. I didn’t need to lay in bed, cry, and eat potato chips all day long. I didn’t NEED to do any of these things but the darkness inside me was feeding off of them. So I let it be. I thought that letting the darkness be and accepting it was the only way to be at peace with what was going on in my life. Become friends with your demons and maybe they will leave you alone. I believed in this for years until recently when I looked at my life, my friends, and my job and I realized this is not working. I am lonely, I haven’t been in a relationship since my ex broke up with me four years ago and I am not sure that the career path I chose is right for me. 

I felt like an Alien stuck in LA. Most people would ask – why didn’t you leave? Move somewhere else and start over. Of course, the thought came across many times and I still dream about living on a tropical island. Every time I think about packing my stuff and moving there is a little voice in my head that says “You never gave this city a chance.” And it is true. I let myself suffer so much during my first years here that I alienated myself, didn’t make real friends, and was hiding from love and relationships. And now I am complaining that I am lonely. Of course, I am lonely. I made myself lonely! I turned myself into an Alien in LA. I blamed other people, I blamed my mental health, I blamed my ex and my parents. I never really blamed myself and my own choices until now. I decided to take full responsibility for my current situation and give Los Angeles a real second chance. After all, I’ve dreamt about moving here my whole life and when I did it, I gave up immediately. I didn’t let myself enjoy this city and everything surrounding it. I would often say – I am alone I don’t have anyone to do this with. 

So what? 

Being alone is not the worst thing that could happen to you. Being alone is how you get to know yourself. Yes, relationships are important but sometimes it is hard to form them and that doesn’t mean you have to spend your days eating potato chips on the couch and binge-watching TV shows. It is scary to be in public on your own. Eating in a restaurant, going to a museum alone, visiting an art gallery alone, going to a concert or a music festival alone. But there are also the not-so-scary parts of being alone. Hiking alone, going to the beach alone, riding a bike alone, learning new skills alone. 

If you are an Alien in LA just like me, stay here and explore this city with me. Or if you live anywhere else around the world I challenge you to do the same. You could be an Alien anywhere around the world and find a way to love your place and maybe meet some people who are going to give you a chance and invite you into their circles. And once you meet them you will realize that we are not so different after all. Aliens or not, in Los Angeles or London we are all humans and we need to give living a second chance before we give up and surrender to our demons again!

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