My Toxic Relationship with Depression pt1

I’ve read dozens of articles on how to deal with depression and I’ve noticed one thing in common. They don’t work. 

The most common suggestions are to exercise and eat a healthy diet. I am doing both of these things, and even though it is helping me a little I am still sad, depressed, and lonely. I still don’t have the motivation to work on my projects and I prefer sitting on the couch, eating toast with butter and jelly, and watching Resident Alien.  

I didn’t give up and as I am writing this post I am on a journey of finding a way how to master my brain and get rid of this constant grayness surrounding my days. 

The way I decided to approach fighting depression is by backward engineering. 

I started asking the questions.

What makes me feel sad?

• I don’t have a lot of close friends and I feel lonely
• I don’t make enough money

… that was it. I couldn’t think of anything else in my life that was making me feel sad. I am healthy. I work out and eat healthy and I am in good shape. I am not the definition of most beautiful alien but I am also not an ugly alien. 

So there are only 2 things that are putting this cloud on my days. 

In theory, it sounds easy. 

Not enough friends – put yourself out there. Join local groups. Start talking to people. Invite people to do stuff instead of just waiting for them to reach out first.

Not enough money – work on your dozens of business ideas. Find another job. Reach out to employers. 

It sounds easy so then what is the problem?

Why can’t I just do it?

Then I looked at my phone. And I checked Instagram. Then I looked at the story I posted recently and I saw that the girl that I like hasn’t watched it. It made me sad. It wasn’t the first time something like this would put me in a bad mood. My mind started to spiral. I went on her profile. Then I started watching other people’s stories. At the same time, my mom texted me and I ignored her. Went back on Instagram. Watched some reels. Sent a few to a couple of people. Looked at my story again – still didn’t see her name. 

Deleted all my stories. 

It was easier that way. If I don’t post a story she is not going to not look at it. Because there is no story. No expectations. No disappointment. Then it hit me. My depression is often triggered by my expectations from others. I know for a fact that you can’t control what other people do. Still, I get upset when they don’t do what I want them to do. Then I asked myself the question – what if I am not doing what they want me to do? How is my behavior? What energy am I putting out there? 

It is hard to answer that question without favoring yourself. And you can’t ask anyone for an opinion because people are never going to tell you the brutal truth. Every time I try to talk to someone about anything I struggle with – their answer is always “Just try”. 

You like a girl – “Just try and talk to her”.

You want to start your own business  – “just try and start working on it every day for an hour”.

You want to be better at jump rope – “just try and jump higher”. 

Here you are, the next day… trying. You see the girl and you try to talk to her but an invisible wall blocks you from approaching her. Your lips are sealed. And your legs start walking in the opposite direction.

Ok we failed that task.

How about starting my own business?

You sit down at your computer and you start creating. You launch a product. A week later no sales. Well, you tried. Nothing.

You want to be better at jump rope? You tried jumping for 5 minutes. You failed. You threw the rope and walked away with frustration. 

Yes, you tried. And you immediately failed. Next thing you know – here comes depression with her gentle voice “It is ok maybe things are not meant to be with this girl. Maybe this wasn’t the right business idea. Maybe you are not an athlete and only special people can do double unders.”

She sounds like the kind friend that you need at the moment. She makes your bed, bakes you some cookies, and puts on your favorite TV show. She lays next to you and tells you that it is ok to stay in bed today. It is ok to doom scroll on your phone. It is ok to post another meme on your story – maybe this time the girl will look at your story before you delete it. 

I know I am not the only one stuck in that cycle. You repeat it every day and you keep asking yourself “Why do I feel so bad but also why is depression taking care of me?” She isn’t hurting me. She is making me feel good. She made me cookies. She told me to avoid talking to the girl because there is no rejection if you don’t ask. She watches my favorite show with me. She eats dinner with me. She lays down next to me and hugs me when I am crying. She is the nice one and I am not alone because I have her. I have her support 24/7. More than I could expect from any of my friends or family. She understands my sadness. She knows that not trying means not failing. And if you don’t fail you won’t have your heart broken. You won’t be disappointed by the failure of your business. You won’t hit yourself 1000 times with the jump rope. You are going to be comfortable. You are in bed. Warm. Eating cookies. 

Why would you want to escape this comfortable cycle? 

Am I in a toxic relationship with depression?