Good morning, Earthies!
I am going to share something I haven’t shared with any human beings in real life. I am afraid of what they are going to say. I am afraid I am going to be too much.
As an alien who grew up on another planet, I had a different relationship with alcohol. I started drinking when I was 14. Yes, that was a popular drinking age on my planet. I would drink a lot at parties during high school and college. Then I discovered sports, and I started limiting my alcohol consumption. It was good until COVID, the lockdown, a hard breakup, and me realizing I am all by myself. That’s when I started developing this need to start my day with a drink. And keep drinking until it’s dark.
A few years later, I got into sports again, and I was able to stop drinking for a while. Until I got hurt, my car broke down, and I didn’t have a lot of money, so I had to stop training again. And every time I stop training, I start drinking.
The problem is that I don’t drink out with friends. I drink home alone because I feel lonely. Because I don’t have real human friends. My life is my work, and when I am not working, I am watching TV shows, drinking beer, and eating.
I’ve gained 30 pounds in the past year. I am extremely ashamed of myself. I am the definition of depressed and gaining fat. The problem is that I am so deep into it that I can’t stop.
For example, today – I started tracking my macros, went to the gym, went hiking, and then the afternoon hit, and I realized I am out of oat milk. So I went to the store, and that opened up the gates of hell. I bought more food, and then that little demon in my head kept screaming “Beer”. I couldn’t shut it down. I don’t know how to shut it down.
I signed up for a 50k race in September, hoping that this will motivate me to stop the bad habits and start training again. A few times a week, I restart the sobertime app, and I clean my house, go to the gym, eat a healthy vegan protein-rich meal, and I feel great. For 24 hours. Until that demon wakes up thirsty, lonely, and crying.
Sometimes I am able to stop drinking for a few months. But unfortunately, this summer has been really hard. I don’t know why. Or maybe I do. It is the loneliness. It is the fact that I am not happy with my life.
Drinking and getting fat are two main reasons I hate myself. I miss the fit and happy me. The motivated alien who had dreams and was excited about life. Somewhere along the way, I lost that version of me. It’s been years since I last felt happy.
I am sharing this with you today because I know I am not alone. I am too ashamed to ask my friends for support. I can’t afford therapy, and the AA meetings are too religious for me.
People look at me and think that I am a lucky and happy alien. I live in Los Angeles. I am on planet Earth. The most beautiful I’ve been to. And I spend my days drinking and watching TV shows at home.
I am going to finish this six-pack of beer tonight and try again tomorrow.
I can’t keep this in me anymore, so writing about it feels like the only way to start my journey to recovery.